Around 4:23 a.m.

Lately, I've been having trouble sleeping at night. The other night, while trying to fall asleep, I caught myself snoring. It wasn't like Jolt!- I fell asleep and then let out a big snorty grunt that shook my body awake. It was- I was lying there, completely awake and fully aware with my eyes closed and I started to snore. This may not seem unusual to some, but for me, a girl who does not snore when she sleeps, it is.

I was experimenting with different pitches and levels of snoring too: first, with my mouth closed, creating a higher pitched wheezing through-the-nose-and-from-the-back-of-the-throat snore. Then, with my mouth open, making a long, lower pitched, deep, from-the-pit-of-the-stomach snore. After a while, my throat started to get really scratchy and dry. So, I stopped. It was then, while sipping from the glass of water by my bed, that I realised this wasn't the first time I've consciously done this. While lying there on my left side, facing the wall, I envisioned there was someone next to me, a man, and it was actually him that was snoring. I really enjoyed that thought, and it was soothing. I didn't mind him snoring one bit. Then, I envisioned it really was me snoring and there was someone on the other side hearing it. I liked that thought too (but not as much because my throat would get all dry keeping that up all night and it's just too much effort. When I sleep, I want to put the least amount of energy into it as possible.)

So, the snoring session was nice for a little while, imagining not going to sleep in a full-size bed alone (which, btw, I am so grateful to be using right now, rather than my previous dinky, twin-size, springy hell mattress). So yes, it was nice for a bit. Then I was thirsty. Then I was sad... which usually makes me tired. I suppose I fell asleep soon after because when I woke up the next morning, it was the last thing I remembered from the night before.

Late Night with Tom Bosley

It's amazing just how entertaining and, at times, enthralling they can be. And so sneaky- creeping up on you late at night when you're all groggy and desperate for something. Anything! Your friends are sleeping, the internet has lost all of its spice, the Oreos are nearing their crumbly, sad end, suki, the cat, wants nothing to do with you- only that damp bathroom mat will please her and you don't actually have cable (just some contraption involving a wire and a coke can) so your options are limited. Or maybe it's just me. But man, ain't nothing like Infomercials.

Now, catching one with a friend or two, this can be good times for at least 30 minutes. Maybe longer. Oh, the witty remarks, the whimsical humor, the brilliant comments, the possibilities! But, if one grabs you while you're alone... things can get dangerous. I have often found myself thinking: well, I don't have anything that can make salsa, smoothies, mousse and sorbet so quickly and easily... and my god! a chocolate mini-cake in 5 minutes! Now usually, I overcome this moment of weakness and dig myself out of the consumer-hole they dug for me. However, I am ashamed to admit, this is not always the case.

About 4 years ago I was flipping through the channels 'till I came across some chubby little man with dark-rimmed glasses and wearing all denim, of course. I don't remember his name but I do know Tom Bosley was there and they were offering their "huge SMC warehouse at my service." I mean, I could make BIG profits selling products- products that "practically sell themselves"... we're talkin hundreds, maybe thousands, of dollars. And for me, a broke college student at some lonely hour in the night, this sounded like the way to go! I actually called to get my "business" going. And right when I woke up the next morning, I thought: Uhhhhh... what? This is lame, and immediately called to cancel. It's sad, but true.

Surely, I'm not the only one with these moments. A girl at work today reminded me of this. We'll call her Janie.
Janie: "Hey, does anyone want a Bowflex?"
Other guy we'll call Matt: "Yeah right, I heard what you're trying to sell it for."
Janie: "Well, for you, I'll give you my special price of $900"
Matt: [laughs] "Think I'll pass."
Janie: "C'mon. I paid like $1500 for it!"
Matt: "Why do you have a Bowflex anyway?"
Janie: [sighs] "I don't know. It was late one night. I think I was drunk or high and this stupid infomercial came on."
Matt: "Well, I do alot of stupid things when I'm drunk but I never go and think 'hey, I think I'll buy a Bowflex!'" The only thing on my mind when I get that drunk is guacamole."
Janie: "Shut up. Plus, I think I was high... and I always start to feel fat when I'm high."

So, I learned a lesson today: I'm definitely not the only one. Also, Matt likes guacamole. And furthermore, it's best to watch these sorts of programs with supervision because unless there's a friend by your side to make fun of it with, the Turbo-cookers, Magic Bullets, Billy Mays doodads and Tony Little Gazelles just may start to look like a necessary addition to your little life.